Right now, we are all in the midst of an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. This week has been an extremely hard week for me, as I am sure it has been for you. It’s important during tumultuous times such as these to have a good self-care routine in place. In all that I had going on this week, I was gently reminded that I wasn’t practicing my own self-care. In my busyness and worry, I stopped doing many of the things that bring me back to myself - like creating art. So, I made time in my day to sit down with brush in hand, breathe and paint.
Suddenly, in the colored pigment, an angel appeared. I love when angels appear in my work. They make me feel seen, known, protected and not alone in this vast world. I think of the “legion of angels” mentioned in Mathew 26:53, “Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once send me more than twelve legions of angels?“ I love that verse. Many times I imagine calling upon God to send a legion of angels to surround me when I feel afraid and alone. What great comfort that brings me.
I’ve been painting since I was 10. You would think that if art is a part of my self care routine that it’s always relaxing for me, but, creating art isn’t always easy. Art can actually stir up anxiety and stress. It most definitely stirs up that inner critic who says who do you think you are to create any kind of art worthy of looking at? Trained artists are taught to create for the critic. Art therapy has taught me to create for my own soul, tuning out the critic, and allowing that tension to guide me through the criticism to an amazing place on the other side called healing.
I’m not a fast artist, and I certainly am not a confident artist. Almost every time in the development of an art piece, I come to a place where I want to stop and throw it away. What was once a blank piece of paper with promise, morphs into something uncertain, overworked, and not good enough. I have learned that I have to push through the uncertainty of not good enough, because that is really just my inner critic taunting me. I forget that the painting is softly saying I’m not finished yet. It holds the promise of becoming something that maybe I didn’t originally intend for a purpose that I didn’t know I needed.
After a series of strokes, and several layers of color on this angel piece, I knew I had to keep pushing through when I felt that inner critic say she’s still not good enough. I resisted throwing it away but instead, I walked away from it to give it time to leave my mind. I needed to give myself permission to stop focusing on it, especially the flaws. An hour or so later, I came back to it. Fresh eyes see new ways, and I had hoped to see a new way of fixing this mess of a painting.
It’s over worked, I said to myself.
Then I barely heard it say, I’m not finished yet.
I worked more, and it appeared again to be overworked. I’m messing it up, I huffed.
I’m not finished yet, the painting replied.
I started to work on the angel’s face. You are really messing it up now—there’s that internal critic again. I placed a small corner of a watercolor stained paper towel on a flesh toned puddle to sop it up before it bled into the sky—before completely ruining it.
Who is going to like this anyway?
Again, more internal taunts. I stopped and set it aside. This time I let it dry completely. If you let the saturated watercolor paper dry, the color changes, and the fibers of the paper tighten and create ripples, which create random pools of color. I noticed a change in the painting once it was fully dry.
Then, I saw it... her sweet face, looking up to the sky. The angel, I thought, she’s not looking at me. In my overworking, I was trying to force her to look straight at me —but she’s looking up.
Of course she is. It’s not about me, or the critic. Its about looking up. Where we all should be looking in times such as these.
Once again, adding more colored layers, I began to feel happy with the way she was turning out. I moved through the not good enough, and took a step closer to I’m almost finished. I began to really like her. In that moment, I realized that this week, this month, this time of physical distancing we can all focus on the uncertainties and the not good enoughs, but we need to remember that God’s not finished yet. Just as the blank canvas holds promise, so does this time of uncertainty. And, like this painting, God has given us an angel, with legions behind her waiting to be called upon, to help us move through all of our uncertainties and not good enoughs along with everything else our inner critic taunts us with.
So, here is a reminder for all of us. To simply take care of ourselves and others. Look for the angels, for protection, comfort and confidence. Then look up to the God of the universe who knows and sees us, and this virus. Remember that He loves us with an unbelievable love. The One who hung the stars and named them, who called the planets into existence—say’s we don’t have to worry if we are good enough because he promises He will finish us.
Take good care of yourselves, friends.
