Making Peace with Your Inner Critic

The way we talk to ourselves can build us up or tear us down. Sometimes when our inner dialogue is harsh, it’s because we’re repeating things we heard from other people when we were young. If the criticism goes too far, it can discourage us and it will take the joy out of our day-to-day life.

Are you willing to break free from the voices in your head? Take a look at a variety of techniques to make peace with your inner critic.

Befriending Your Inner Critic:

Your inner critic will sound less scary if you remember that it is trying to protect you from failure and other possible dangers.

Learn how to put it to work for you instead of against you:

1. Increase awareness. You may be so used to your inner critic that you hardly think about what it’s saying. Start changing your relationship by trying to understand what it wants to tell you. When you hear the inner critic start their rhetoric, ask it, “what are you trying to tell me?”, or ask “what is it that you need?”

2. Look back. What’s your first memory of your inner critic? Does it sound like a particular person from your past? There may be family issues or other matters that need attention before you can move on.

3. Focus on growth. Maybe your inner voice says you’re bad at math because you failed a test in the third grade. In reality, you’re not stuck in your past. Adopt a growth mindset that enables you to become whatever you want as long as you’re willing to put in the work to get there.

4. Aim higher. You may also find your inner critic easier to deal with if you keep a deeper purpose in mind. When you’re working for something bigger than yourself, you can accept your self-doubts without being overcome by them.

5. Try meditation. Many adults find that meditation helps them to make their self-talk more comforting and motivating. Let go of judgements and connect with your inner goodness.

 Silencing Your Inner Critic

On the other hand, there are times when you just need a break. If your self-talk is making you anxious and depressed, you can find relief by applying these simple tactics.

1. Seek distractions. Shift your attention elsewhere. Take a walk or read a book. Spend some time doing anything that you enjoy.

2. Distance yourself. Turn down the volume by imagining that your inner critic is speaking to someone else instead of you. Take any statement and replace the personal pronouns with a funny name.

3. Identify triggers. Give yourself advance warning. Figure out the situations where your inner critic is likely to appear. You may be sensitive about first dates or criticism from your boss.

4. List your strengths. If you’re tired of hearing about your weaknesses, remember your strengths. Make a list of the things you’re good at from baking bread to writing code.

5. Correct exaggerations. Your house won’t be condemned because you were too busy to vacuum for a few days. Keep things in perspective by ensuring that your self-talk is accurate.

6. Use affirmations. Repeating positive affirmations can give you a boost when you’re feeling down. Browse online for ideas or invent your own wording.

7. Remember your worth. Being tough on yourself erodes your self-esteem. Shore it back up by telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and successful.

8. Build support. While you need to value yourself, it helps to have others in your corner too. Surround yourself with family and friends who make you feel positive about yourself and your opportunities.

Take control of your self-talk and your future. Treat yourself with compassion and keep striving to reach your full potential.

Chasing the Shadow of Grief

By Nan Zastrow

"Moving forward, or remaining suspended, in good grief is neither right nor wrong. It just is."

Almost three decades, and still counting. Might we still be chasing the shadow of grief? Or is the shadow of grief a forever thing, one that will always be there no matter how we try to lose it?

I'm sure some friends and family wonder why Gary and I are still absorbed in the work of grief. They may wonder why we still attend grief conferences, facilitate grief support groups, talk and write about grief, and mingle with a group of friends who all have in common the death of a significant loved one. A few may be so bold as to suggest that we are long overdue for putting our grief behind us and moving on.

While attending a National Compassionate Friends Conference, I thought about this. Why is it that Gary and I are still so engaged in remembering and honoring the loss of our son, Chad E. Zastrow? I decided to challenge myself to determine if it was possible to still remember how grief felt in those early years. I also wanted to justify my tenacity for all the reasons why we do what we do.

Many people believe that after a year or two has passed, grief passes also. They tend to think that a bereaved people have put their emotions behind them and have moved forward to living normal lives. To an outsider, this may appear to be true, but as most bereaved persons will testify, every day is a continued act of healing. Significant loss sticks with us and though we may appear to have returned to our former activities, something inside has changed.

It's also true that many people successfully leave their grief behind and rejoin their lives as they left them. They find no need to continue the chase. Let's be clear on one point: this is perfectly acceptable and normal. Personally, I have determined that I'm just not one of them.

For the group of people who, like me, continue to "chase the shadow, this too can be perfectly acceptable and normal, providing there is continuous movement and improvement and one does not become stuck. By definition, we are not perpetual grievers. Instead, I believe that loss has touched our lives in a way that has changed us, and that challenges our deeper thoughts regarding the meaning and purpose of life. The sensitivity remaining after our losses continues to cause us to evaluate who we are and what we wish to become as a result of this slower transformation.

Moving forward, or remaining suspended, in good grief is neither right nor wrong. It just is. It becomes what it is because of the personal experience. I believe, people respond to their grief experience in one of two ways:

Grieve and Go

Grieve and Grow

"Grieve and Go" grievers

In regard to a specific grief experience, these grievers choose to move forward and bank the memory of their experience. (Note: A future experience may be different.) This kind of grief is typically of shorter duration. This griever accepts that death is a natural part of life, and it's not necessary to revisit the loss experience, hang on to it, or even learn anything more from it. They have honored their relationship, said their good-byes, shed their tears and banked their memories. They keep with them the vivid memory of the person who died, and they cherish the good times and the warm stories. Their loved one becomes a treasured memory stored in their hearts and minds. Everything about their response is normal and natural.

"Grieve and Grow" grievers

For those who grieve and grow, a specific experience with death has touched their lives in an extraordinary way. The person who died has become connected to their souls spiritually. The bereaved person carefully dissects every emotion and life-change resulting from the death. They reflect often on their personal relationship with the person who died and glean important clues about their lives and their destinies. They are ready to accept the death only when they have processed the events of this life and are fully ready to say good-bye. Then, they stop intense grieving, but begin a different kind of transformation. They want the life of the person who died to mean something of value to others and/or to themselves. They become engaged and challenged. Grieve and grow grievers typically adopt causes, champion survivors, create legacies, accomplish great feats through physical or mental challenges, and/or become successful in careers that require compassion, sensitivity, and community. This becomes their reality for as long as it is satisfying and necessary for them. Everything about their response is also normal and natural.

Grieve and Go, or Grieve and Grow? Either response is just a way of being that evolves from their experiences, but this response may differ from one loss to another. Persons with either type of response understand their journeys. Both experience the process; both recall the experience, but each chooses a different way to respond to a particular loss.

Gary and I definitely adopted the "grieve and grow" response after the death of our son, Chad, as a result of suicide in 1993. We responded to his death differently than other sudden losses or deaths in our lives. Each loss we had faced prior to this one (and some since) were undeniably grieve and go. None affected us or changed our lives as much as Chad's death.

Sitting in a workshop at the conference, I recognized that though I am a seasoned griever, I had something in common with everyone in that room. I believe that the majority of those present grieved much like me. I personally talked with people whose losses ranged from three months to twenty-nine years. And, the longer the period-of-time, the greater the chance that they, too, would respond by grieving and growing.

So are we collectively then, chasing the shadow of grief? Call it what you may, I don't believe that chasing the shadow is a negative response to grief. Fortunately, there are a number of bereaved persons who can resume life in a reasonably normal way. And for those of us who continue the journey there are reasons in each of our stories.

I believe I continue to chase the shadow of grief, not because it's right or wrong, but just because it's what has happened to me.

These are the reasons I Grieve and Grow...

FRIENDS:

For those I have met, and for those I have yet to meet along the way. These friends are not pretentious, have no other agendas and are genuine from the core of their hearts. They have loved and lost. They are touched by their experiences.

EMOTION:

I can still remember the first days and years as though they were yesterday. I'm grateful for the compassion I've learned from my emotions, so I can still sympathize with the newly bereaved and bear witness to the fact that life does get better again, someday. Now, my emotions are not as fragile as then; the pain does heal, and it does become bearable over time.

EDUCATION:

My bereaved friends have taught me about their losses, and that makes mine easier to accept. I also rejoice in the amazing and rewarding lessons I've learned from all the professionals who have given me the privilege of continuing to learn from them.

LOSS OF DREAMS:

When I fret over my loss of dreams (wedding, grandchildren, accomplishments) that once were so important to me, I've learned that the "assumptions of life" are not valid. Life is fragile and unpredictable. I trust in building new dreams and finding happiness in alternate ways.

COMMITMENT:

I am committed to honoring the memory of my son in a positive way. Suicide has always had the word "taboo" written all over it, so when Chad died, I wanted to influence people and let them know that bad things do happen to good people.

GRIEF WORK:

I knew that my grief work would continue for years, and that it would give me an opportunity to experience all that I needed to feel. Grief is a continuous act of healing.

EXPRESSION:

I have found a way to use my desire to write and to express the sacred thoughts in my heart by sharing them with others.

CAUSE:

I will continue the ministry of Wings that has come from the gnawing pain that wouldn't heal.

SPIRIT:

I am committed to the knowledge and confirmation of something far greater than the human experience and to the wisdom of putting my trust in the promise of the next world.

MISSION:

God gave me this mission-not to save the world, but to preserve myself. I chose to be better instead of bitter. In the process, I've found that helping others is the greatest reward that has come from saving myself.

LEGACY:

My writing and work to create a legacy of love-not on how Chad died, but on how he lived-has confirmed the fact there are often no answers to "Why?"

MYSTERY:

I am forever amazed at the surprises that unfold when I am exactly where I am meant to be at exactly the time I should be there. Now, I look for the "ah-ha" moments.

SEARCH for MEANING:

As I continue the search of who I am now (after loss) I prove to myself that I can be more than I ever was before. This search gives meaning and purpose to my life.

LOSS:

I try always to remember that I am and always will be a bereaved parent who is feeling the honest emotions of loss and grief.

HOPE:

I believe that life and love continue beyond death.

No matter how you look at it, we all chase the shadow of grief, sometimes for a short time; sometimes for a much longer of time. We chase it for as long as it is necessary; we chase it to understand. We may never catch up to it. It can fascinate us or consume us. And, ultimately, it can challenge our lives temporarily or change our lives forever.

7 Ways to Tame Your Inner Critic

We all carry around a critic that seems to be intent on making us miserable. Life is simpler and more enjoyable if you can tame your inner critic. If we spend time to really listen to this critic, we’d all be amazed by what we hear. I’m sure you’ve never known anyone so negative or so discontent. 

Yet we listen to your inner critic as if we’re listening to an expert. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Let’s look at how we can change how we view our internal dialogue:

1. Listen to your inner critic dispassionately. Just stop and listen for a minute. Notice the things it says, the words it uses. It won’t take long before you realize you’re listening to a complete crank-pot. In fact, let’s listen to some self-talk in general. Let’s imagine what “you” say to yourself while you’re watching TV:

• Oh yeah! I love this movie, except the acting stinks and some parts are boring. I think I have time to go to the bathroom and get a snack before it starts getting good. 

• The girl in this movie reminds me of Mary from high school. She always wore that weird jewelry. I wonder if she married Steve. I should’ve gone to prom with Steve. I looked fat in my prom dress and I never should have gone with Brian. I’m still fat and can barely get off the couch because I’m stuck so far down in the cushions. If my mom had treated me better, I wouldn’t be so addicted to eating junk. I loved watching Fat Albert when I was a kid...”

What would happen if you were sitting next to a person rambling on like this? You’d be looking for the nearest exit. Yet this is the way we speak to ourselves. Realize that you’re listening to someone you’d avoid in real life. There’s no reason to take self-talk seriously, but we drag this inner dialog around with us and listen to it!

1. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend or a child in the same situation. Or imagine what your best friend would say to you. The language, comments, and advice would be much different than what you say to yourself.

   • When your critical dialog starts, ignore the criticism and consciously practice being as gentle with yourself as you would to a friend or a child. 

2. Remember all the times you were successful. Psychologists believe it requires ten positive experiences to overcome one bad experience. Take a couple of minutes each day to remember the all the amazing things you’ve accomplished. 

   • In fact, with diligence, this can become a habit. As soon as a negative thought enters your mind, you can instantly think of something positive, instead.

3. Write it down. Instead of just hearing your inner critic, write down what was said and read it. It will seem less credible in a new format. 

4. Put the criticism to the test. What evidence do you have to support this negative statement? Can you think of instances in the past where this statement was false?

   • If you were more positive, how would you view this situation? What can you gain from your current situation?

5. Keep your mind on today. The past is of little value today, and tomorrow is impossible to predict. Keep your attention on making the most of today. By doing that consistently, tomorrow will take care of itself. 

6. Be grateful. The easiest way to uplift your mood and your self-talk is to spend time feeling grateful. List the things in your life that fill you with feelings of gratitude.

The inner critic has little to offer you. Realize how silly your inner talk can be. You’d never be friends with a person that spoke that way. And you’d certainly never take them seriously. You’d stay as far away as you possibly could.

Use these tips to keep your inner critic tamed and under control. Practice these daily to develop the habit of speaking positively to yourself. When you practice these on a consistent basis, your self-confidence and success will soar.

Faith based Psychotherapy

Faith-Based Psychotherapy is holistic in nature.

While some therapies focus solely on physical health, others on emotions, and still others on the interplay of body / mind / emotions (referred to as a bio-psycho-social approach), few approaches to counseling or psychotherapy are truly holistic and treat the whole person – mind body and soul.

Regardless of your personal religious beliefs, we are undeniably physical, emotional, thinking, and spiritual beings.  When one or more components of our person-hood is ignored in restoring health after trauma, complete healing is impossible.

Faith-based psychotherapy seeks to be holistic by incorporating the vital element of spirituality or faith to more traditional psychotherapy that includes awareness of the interplay of body, mind, and emotions.

My personal approach to incorporating spirituality is to meet you where you are at in your own spiritual / faith journey and help you to create harmony between your beliefs, experiences, thoughts, emotions, and actions. While my personal belief is Bible-based Christianity, you are welcome and I hope will be comfortable regardless of religious tradition.

Strength-Based Psychotherapy

Strength-based practice is a social work practice theory that emphasizes people’s self-determination and strengths. It is a philosophy and a way of viewing clients as resourceful and resilient in the face of adversity. It is client-led, with a focus on future outcomes and strengths that people bring to a problem or crisis. When applied beyond the field of social work, strength-based practice is also referred to as the “strength-based approach”.

History

Social worker Bertha Reynolds was a proto-theorist for this practice. She criticized the American social work tendency to adopt a psychoanalytic approach (and the corollary dependence on the DSM IV) with clients. It was formally developed by a team from the University of Kansas, including Dennis Saleebey, Charles Rapp & Anne Weick.

In 1997, Rapp wrote “The Strengths Model”, which focused on “amplifying the well part of the patient”. The popularity of his approach spread quickly and in 1999, Dr. Martin Seligman, the president of the American Psychological Association at the time, made an observation that fueled strength-based practice:

“The most important thing we learned was that psychology was half-baked. We’ve baked the part about mental illness, about repair damage. The other side’s unbaked, the side of strength, the side of what we’re good at”.

Since then, the strength-based approach has been adapted and applied to many contexts. In the service sector, for example, it has been applied to case management, education, community development, and working with many different groups, such as young people and people with mental illnesses. Beyond social services, in 1995, Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton introduced the strengths perspective to the business world.

Key Elements

The strength-based approach is often referred to as a response to more deficit-focused or pathological approaches. For example, Laursen and Nissen noted that in the field of youth justice, the mainstream corrections model focuses on risks, needs, and addresses weaknesses. Alternatively, the strength-based approach enhances strengths, and builds on characteristics that are already present in individuals.

Although applied differently depending on the population and service, the approach has been characterized as a philosophy or lens through which people are viewed and through which programs and agencies operate. According to Powell and Batsche, a strength-based philosophy is a critical belief, an all-pervasive attitude that informs a professional’s interactions with clients. Ideally, an entire agency will adopt the approach, and, through ongoing training, this attitude-change will occur in all staff, transforming the way they view their work, their colleagues, and, of course, the people and communities they work with.

This strength-based philosophy holds the core belief that all individuals have strengths and resources. The focus of the practice is on a person’s skills, interests and support systems. Its simple premise is to identify what is going well, to do more of it, and to build on it.

Outcomes

Evaluation of the effectiveness of the strength-based approach is limited; however, some studies have shown that working with individuals and communities through a strength lens improves individual outcomes, such as quality of life, employment, and health.[18][19] On a more societal level, a strength-based approach promotes positive views of individuals and takes focus away from blame or judgement. This alternative view may contribute to de-stigmatization of certain groups and may increase positive political attention and social support. Overall, there is a need for more research and further evaluations of the strength-based approach.

References

1. http://www.oxfordbibliographies.com/view/document/obo-9780195389678/obo-9780195389678-0006.xml

2. McCashen, Wayne (2005). The Strengths Approach. Bendigo, Victoria, Australia: St Luke’s Innovative Resources.

3. Healy, Karen (2005). Social Work Theories in. Hampshire: Palgrave McMillan.

4. Rapp, C. (1997). The Strengths Model: Case Management with People Suffering from Severe and Persistent Mental Illness, 1st Ed. New York: Oxford University Press.

5. Buckingham, Marcus (2007). Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance. New York: Free Press. Nissen, L. (2006). Bringing strength-based philosophy to life in juvenile justice. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 15, 1, p. 40-46.

6. Saleebey (2002). The Strengths Perspective in Social Work Practice, 3rd Ed. Toronto: Allyn and Bacon.

7. Winter-Messiers, M., Herr, C. M., Wood, C. E., Brooks, A. P., Gates, M. M., Houston, T. L., & Tingstad, K. I. (2007). How far can Brian ride the daylight 4449 express? A strength-based model of Asperger Syndrome based on special interest areas. Focus on Autism and Other Development Disabilities, 22, 2, 67-79.

8. Buckingham, Marcus (2007). Go Put Your Strengths to Work: 6 Powerful Steps to Achieve Outstanding Performance. New York: Free Press.

9. Laursen, E. K. (2003). Frontiers in strength-based treatment. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 12, 1, 12-17.

10. Nissen, L. (2006). Bringing strength-based philosophy to life in juvenile justice. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 15, 1, p. 40-46. Roebuck, B., Roebuck, M., & Roebuck, J. (2011). From Strength to Strength: A Manual to Inspire and Guide Strength-based Interventions with Young People. Cornwall: Youth Now Intervention Services.

11. Powell, D. S. & Batsche, C. J. (1997). A strength-based approach in support of multi-risk families: Principles and issues. Topics in Early Childhood Special Education, 17, 1.

12. Roebuck, B., Roebuck, M., & Roebuck, J. (2011). From Strength to Strength: A Manual to Inspire and Guide Strength-based Interventions with Young People. Cornwall: Youth Now Intervention Services.

13. Laursen, E. K. (2003). Frontiers in strength-based treatment. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 12, 1, 12-17.

14. Nissen, L. B., Mackin, J. R., Weller, J. M. & Tarte, J. M. (2005). Identifying strengths as fuel for change: A conceptual and theoretical framework for the youth competency assessment. Juvenile and Family Court Journal, 1-15.

15. Barwick, H. (2004). Young Males: Strength-based and Male-focused Approaches, A Review of the Research and Best Evidence. New Zealand: Ministry of Youth Development.

16. Krabbenborg, M. A., Boersma, S., & Wolf, J. R. (2013). A strengths based method for homeless youth: Effectiveness and fidelity of Houvast. BMC Public Health, 13, 359-369.

17. Barwick, H. (2004). Young Males: Strength-based and Male-focused Approaches, A Review of the Research and Best Evidence. New Zealand: Ministry of Youth Development.